i think this is the space I need to write my story.  Please bear with me through it, dear reader.  It is painful for me to write, but write it I must.  For some odd reason, a personal journal does not fill my needs. I have never been good at journaling.  It feels too much like an obligation.  I need witnesses.

i married a dear, kind, wonderful, intelligent and funny man in 1975.  We waited to start our family for almost ten years because we were both the youngest children of our families, and we really thought that we should travel and study and grow up and enjoy a few years before we brought a child or two into the mix.  We did exactly that–maybe not as adventurous at traveling as some, but we did get to Europe, we did canoe on a few rivers and camp and endure the loss of my parents….certainly we came to know each other well and enjoy a life that we were committed to continuing that included children.  During that time I gained a graduate degree, we both worked full time, and we bought a house that included an acre of garden.  We grew blackberry bushes and added such perennial vegetables as asparagus and leeks, and learned that deer and crows would not allow us to grow corn and root crops of any kind.  Mother Earth News was our favorite publication and we devoured it when it arrived each month.  Dreams.

I don’t remember a time that I didn’t want children.  I’m told that since I was a tiny girl I played with baby dolls and later on, I babysat regularly for extra spending money.  I loved kids and longed for the day that our own baby or babies would lead us into our future.  This finally occurred in January of 1984 when our first son was born.  I felt so proud, naturally giving birth to a strapping 8 pound, 9 ounce baby boy whom we named Ian because his name would be in honor of my deceased father.

This boy, he was something!  Beautiful, healthy, bright, smart, watchful, alert, and later considerate, thoughtful, and also athletic which reminded me so much of my mother, who was also so athletic.  He even looked like her when he was young.  It was kind of creepy and wonderful at the same time.  Well, HE thought it was creepy, but I thought it was wonderful, as if I was given a second chance to see my Mom again.  He was such a gift in our lives!

He was a “gifted” kid, diagnosed at a young age and entered into the limited gifted program in his school.  He took his own intelligence seriously, and we tried to respect that while also giving him balance in his life with athletic outlets and humor and emotional support.  That last sentence sounds so stilted — and yet I cannot find a better way of saying it.  We did what every parent wants to do and we were fortunate to be able to provide it.

High school, sports, and college followed….and as he aged we grew increasingly worried.  It was so slow, so insidious….we allowed ourselves to think that he was okay, although we checked with him regularly.  But he was definitely NOT okay. He came home after four years, one class shy of a degree in Biology, as a different person.  It was then that we saw the mental illness that had probably been lurking–had surely been lurking–which we did not see and which he hid from us.  He hid it so, so well.

Seven years after this nightmare began, our beautiful son ended his life by suicide.  We were so fortunate to be in touch with him every day for the last three years of his life.  We got to see glimpses of the magnificent man he was, and could continue to be….  He had dreams of becoming an advocate for making better mental health policy.  He had so much to give this world, and yet an illness sidelined his—and our—best intentions.

There are few words to adequately describe the depths of panic and terror a parent feels when a child is in peril.  The feeling that culminates from that is called ‘numb’. Fewer still are the words when there is nothing that can be done, even when you know you have covered every base, called every person, talked until you have no breath left and still  it will never be enough.  I now understand the depth of feeling a parent of a dying child feels, such as one who has cancer that is incurable.  The only difference between that and our experience is that there are no compassionate doctors and nurses, support groups and 24 hour call lines.  I also understand the heights of hope against the odds.  Who knows?  Whatever you try next might help, and so you continue.

Our son died on May 30, 2016.  We got a call from a coroner’s office, asking us to come identify his body.  The detectives, officers and others with whom we spoke were far more compassionate and kind than anyone we had contact with prior to that.  I am grateful for them.

Today, I believe that I am through the worst of the panic and terror, although I still dream of my beautiful boy.  In my dreams, he smiles and laughs and wants to reach me and he does.  This grief thing, it feels as old as time and yet as new as sunrise….but beyond that, it feels familiar.  I have lost my parents and yet I believe that they are with me still.  I have lost my son but he continues to reach me.  There is hope.

Its just not as shiny and new as it seemed back in 1975.  But it’s there.

Personally I feel what most people consider a disaster in reality is quite the contraire. Not at all unlike the way most people see events in life, so many seem to see the dark side of so much instead of the light on the other side. This is the way man has survived countless centuries. Since the beginning of time it was disasters that taught man what to avoid which in turn saved him from extinction.

Hundreds of years ago when a caveman reached in to the fire for whatever reason and was terribly burned he probably thought of it as a disaster; one that involved great pain. But in reality it was a much needed lesson. One could say it was a lesson that could save his bacon in more ways than one. From that moment on he had learned from an experience and could now teach others of the consequences.  His disaster was good for him and mankind would benefit for it.

Newton’s third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can easily be applied to disasters as well. From that day on when the caveman saw a flame he knew to stand clear thus ensuring no pain and in fact being happier for it as a result.

Over the years disasters have made us stronger, safer, smarter, and happier. For example, because car wrecks have caused so many deaths, engineers were forced to build safer automobiles.  Because earthquakes destroyed homes, architects were forced to find ways to retrofit and design safer dwellings. Because of illness, sickness and disease, researchers and doctors found ways to treat and prevent pain and death. The list goes on but the reality is that without disaster the quality of life would be poor at best.

Life as the result of a disaster is in the eyes of the beholder. In caveman’s time so much knowledge was needed to be gained before any semblance of what could be considered an improvement to the quality of life would ever be expected. As crazy as it seems we should be glad there has been so much devastation over millenniums of time simply because of lessons learned which helped make our would a safer, better place to exist.

When I was a boy there was a freak accident which caused me to go blind. I did not see the light of day for four and a half years. Naturally my mother and father saw it as a disaster. In realty, for me it was anything but. They say when someone loses one of the five senses, (sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing.) the other senses will grow stronger. I can assure you this is positively a truth. I can also tell you that for some there is another factor overlooked as well.  It’s our sense of desire. When the doctor told my mother that I would never see again she believed it to be a disaster. While I will admit there was some trepidation on my part I must say not once in my life did I ever truly believe what the doctor said would ever stop me from having an amazing life. Instead of being sad I began dreaming up ways to make the best of it. I literally didn’t see the darkness; I chose to look for the light.

While desire may not be defined as one of the senses, the reality is its one of our strongest attributes and should be considered a sense. Everyone should be born with sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing and yes, desire. With desire comes determination and the need to succeed or to be better at something. In my case, there was the strong desire to be able to play with others my age and to be able to do the things they could do and to do them as well or even better. But that desire only increased with time.

Having known the reality of being blind I now had a whole new appreciation for sight and the doors opened because of it. Because of the accident I lost the majority of my depth perception but because of desire not only did I find a way around such loss but in fact learned ways of overcoming it. I went on to achieve what I considered many great accomplishments some of which included setting records as a race car driver and an Olympic marksman. I sought those doors and looked forward to what lay on the other side.

I remember his reply the day I asked my Olympic coach why he chose me above so many other athletes. He said, “Funny isn’t it, you were the smallest, you had many bad habits, you smoked, drank coffee, and had no depth perception and wanted to be a world class marksman. I was just grateful you didn’t want to be a boxer or a brain surgeon. But what you did have more than anyone else was desire and determination. Do you remember the day we went to the county fair? While you were trying to win a stuffed animal by shooting out a star everyone behind us kept telling you the game was rigged and impossible to beat. But you didn’t allow their negative comments to distract you and you just kept telling the guy to give you another round. When all was said and done, the perplexed look you left on the carnival worker’s face was priceless and we came home with a trunk filled with stuffed animals. It was that very evening when I realized I had never met such a determined personality in my life. That was the night I decided to make you my protégé. I have never regretted that decision.”

I believe had I never been blind I would never have developed such a strong desire or determination to do something to such extreme perfection. Can you see what some may have thought of as a disaster actually became a dream come true?

One has to realize there will in fact be more disasters and lessons to be learned both of which will not only help prevent the extinction of mankind but assist in a better quality of life for future generations to come. The good news is, today there is less need to live in fear than there was in caveman’s time. If I could teach only one lesson, it would be to teach others to stop seeing the negative in daily events even those thought of as disasters. Instead I would hope everyone would learn to see the positives. They are many. When someone dies, don’t be sad their gone. Be glad they lived. When there’s a flood, don’t be sad it rained. Be glad the sun will shine again. We can choose to allow disasters in life to sadden us or we can choose to find ways to understand how they will in fact help us find a better quality of life.  Seeing the positive is a healthier choice, ironically sometimes brought about by disaster.