When I was younger I was a wish factory. One thing I wished for, this time of year was that I could decorate a Christmas tree. My mom said “You are Jewish and Jewish people do not decorate Christmas Trees.” Several years later one of my best friends invited me to a party to decorate her Christmas tree. I was allowed to go to the party, but not supposed to decorate the tree, I think I did a few ornaments, but was afraid to continue and get in trouble. I loved Chanukah, the magic of the candles each day, the chocolate candy money, and especially the nuts we used as money when we played the dreidle game. Yet, I still wanted to decorate a Christmas tree. Perhaps not unexpectedly, I have married two , Episcopalians, and have had the pleasure of decorating many trees over the 37 years of marriage to my second husband.
I wished I lived with my aunt and uncle and their three children. I wished I could write, with an original voice…That I had some money to study music and write down the notes that I sang to myself. My parents couldn’t and wouldn’t pay for lessons. They always thought that the tunes I invented were created by someone else. I wished I could run away from home and get further than the red light which was two blocks from home. Luckily in this case, (I was about three or four years old) my mother would assist me in collecting my doll, my little red wagon, and scarves or sweaters for warmth. She even gave me crackers in case I was hungry. She followed me as far as I dared go, and brought me back home with much patience and kindness.
Many times I have wished for moral courage and compassion, and the ability to carry through life, an open heart and the ability to respect the sanctity of life and the sanctity of death. Recently, my husband and I have set up our funerals the way we would like them to be. No guarantee here either, but in my case I will be buried in a natural woodland burial place under trees with no coffin just a degradable shroud. If I can find a copy of my old poem about being able to feed the roots of trees, it will be read then, by my husband or one of my children.
I feel especially concerned for the well being of this country and this small little world we live in. Are we going into another extinction? And how can anybody who knows even a minuscule amount of history vote for a child molester, bigoted, racist man like Trump?
Dustin, my second son, once told me, “Don’t worry mom, we may not be here, but the world will be just fine.” I wish for my two sons and daughter stability, joy , flexibility, kindness towards themselves and others. Faith in life itself, and the courage to stand up to fate and know when to fight and when to accept the whole slew of improbabilities washed ashore, to dream and to act on their dreams. So far they have suffered, failed and succeeded. Each has a unique pattern of growth and I wish I could cast a net across the ocean of my fears , scuttle them into a parallel dimension. Safety and hiding, though, is not always the best choice, so instead I hope they all explore the world of wisdom truth beauty and love.
born, lived, cried, appreciated, lost, found, lived, laughed, flew in my dreams,
taught others to fly in their dreams, became a telescope reflecting the stars,
dove to the depths of despair ,recovered and walked along the beach as the water escaped from the sea and erased my footprints.