Close The Door, Richard! by
10
(23 Stories)

Prompted By Pet Peeves

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“Ow!” I rubbed the bump on my forehead. Again.

If he leaves the kitchen cabinets or drawers open one more time I’m divorcing him! Oh! I never married him, did I? And that’s a big reason why.

The first time he took me to his house and showed me his kitchen I walked through it closing cabinet doors. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. The next time, the same thing. I have one bump on my head for every day of the week I go to his house. My shins are black and blue. You might think I’ve been battered by this very nice guy, but no! At least not by his hand. Just by his cabinet doors.

Why is it so hard to close a door or a drawer? It’s such a simple motion. Doesn’t take a lot of strength. No more so than closing the toilet seat, which he still forgets to do. But fortunately he has a guest bathroom that I use so I can avoid falling into the toilet. Honestly, it’s enough to drive me batty.

And then there’s his pants zipper. Seriously! What is it about closing things? Is there something Freudian about it? Does closure scare him? But don’t get me started. He’s just an old man, I guess. With old habits. Well, at least I can’t bump my head on his zipper.

I’ve been called a neatnik. Not by him. He’s too nice to complain about me. (Besides, I often cook for him.) But you might agree. I have been known to call him Pig-Pen. In my place I have a glass dining room table and leather dining room chairs. Whatever he touches has his finger prints on it. Like he’s been holding onto the table for dear life. I follow him around with windex. And when he gets up, the chair has crumbs on it. Even when the food he ate didn’t crumble. It’s a miracle. I give him an apron to wear when he eats so he doesn’t stain his shirt. He stains it anyway.

Most of the time, since I hate cleaning up after him only slightly less than I hate cooking, I go to his place and close the cabinets and the drawers and the toilet seats. Then I cook dinner and let him clean up.

Profile photo of Penny K Penny Righthand


Characterizations: funny, well written

Comments

  1. Betsy Pfau says:

    Wow, Penny, I am so with you on this one. At least I am only 5′ tall, so the upper cabinets wouldn’t bother me, but what’s with this guy? Is he absent-minded (like leaving his fly open)? I agree…not too much to ask to close cabinets, put down the seat, close his zipper and keep his hands clean – particularly during COVID!

  2. Suzy says:

    This is a great pet peeve, Penny. My husband is also bad at closing kitchen cabinets and bedroom dresser drawers, and I have bumped into them many times. “Ow” is right! Do you think it’s a gender thing? And more importantly, will you give Richard this story to read?

    • Suzy
      I don’t think it’s a gender thing because his married daughter does the same thing and her husband hates it! And just to be clear, his name isn’t really Richard. But the name of some old song was ‘Close that Door, Richard.” Or maybe it was “Open that Door, Richard.” I can’t remember.;-)

  3. Khati Hendry says:

    I am impressed by your patience and ability to see through to what must be finer qualities. And maybe wisdom in not being married. Sometimes people with attention deficit issues just don’t notice things, and forget to finish what they started, and it is quite unintentional. When I look at careless habits from that perspective, it is easier to realize there is a disability here, and just neaten up to suit myself. The apron is a great idea, and so is spray pre-wash if you’re doing the laundry!

  4. Ah Penny, we can’t live with ‘em, and we can’t live without ‘em!

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